Misbehaving Paul

I realise that my last blog must have shocked some of you. Seeing with "x-ray vision" can be challenging. As an antidote, I include here a picture "from the outside". I'm on top of the Skyline track which runs from Mt Kaukau to Makara, and Miang and I spent a wonderful couple of hours walking up there recently.

So why the PET scan? Partly because, when my friends see me "from the outside" I look quite healthy. But for me the awareness of the interior is quite distinct. I can feel what is happening inside me. There is discomfort, and sometimes pain, but it is not at all severe at this time. The sensations vary, day by day, and it is hard to get a clear sense of progression or otherwise. So to me, the "inside view" of the PET-CT is very natural, something that helps my understanding, and certainly nothing I fear. I place it here for my friends to see, in that sense.

That brings me to my cancer, my misbehaving cells. Denis Potter, the playwright, famously referred to his cancer as "Rupert". It was his name for a most malevolent and despicable invasion of his body. He was, of course, referring to Rupert Murdoch. I cannot feel this way. My cancer is my own, a natural, though unhelpful, state of my own cellular makeup. I have struggled for a name, but can't go much past "Paul". Not a Paul I approve of very much, but irresponsible and dangerous, indeed recognisably elements of a Paul from a distant teenage past. Perhaps some of this Paul even reared its head in later adult life. If so, I apologise to those who witnessed it. But it is not the real me, just a distant demon, very remote from the way I feel. It's ironical then that this biological deviant should have reared its head at a time in my life when I feel very content, very much at peace with who I am.

So will the better Paul take charge of misbehaving Paul? Will my immune system gently assert itself and persuade the rabble cells to lay off ? Maybe. But the more important aspect of our humanity is the spiritual self, not the wayward cells of our mortal coil. Better Paul is in charge, really.